


Reconstruction

by SaraJaye



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Allusions to incest as per canon, Atonement - Freeform, Damaged Anthy, Domestic, Friendship, Frustration, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 09:39:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8885914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: The thing about being selfish is that it's easy. All you have to think about is yourself, your image, your pride. It's trying to think of the other person that's difficult, especially when that other person is a damaged mess underneath a plastic smile.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Beltenebra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beltenebra/gifts).



The night Anthy tries to throw herself from the roof, they don't sleep.

Utena weeps bitterly and apologizes a thousand times, _I've been so selfish, I treated her like property, I'm no better than them, she's a real person with real pain and I used her to make myself feel stronger._ She knows now more than ever she can't turn her back on Anthy, but this time she wants to be _real friends._ To know her, to support her, to love her no matter what she's done or what secrets she hides.

Anthy, barely able to speak through her own tears, tells her to bow out of the duels. To leave Ohtori Academy, live a normal life. _There's so much you don't know, so much I can't bear for you to find out. Please, Miss Utena._ But Utena wipes away Anthy's tears, promising that from now on she'll be the kind of person _Anthy_ needs most of all.

"We'll be real friends from now on. And in ten years, we'll get together for that cup of tea just like we talked about."

 

The next morning, she doesn't make breakfast until Anthy's awake, and the first question she asks is what Anthy wants.

"I'm sure whatever you make will be delicious, Miss Utena," she says. She wears her usual smile, eyes blinking sweetly behind her glasses, as if last night never happened.

"Are you sure?"

"Why would I not be?" Even her voice seems hollower than usual, and it makes her ache inside. Utena takes out the ingredients for pancakes, knowing this is the last day she can use the milk before it starts to turn, and a jar of rose jam. Anthy loves her brother's rose jam.

They eat in silence, and even though Utena put her best effort into this morning's meal, it tastes oddly bitter.

 

They walk to and from each class together in complete silence, that empty smile never leaving Anthy's face. Wakaba, Juri, Miki, Touga, Shiori, and countless others talk to them and Utena does her best to engage them in a decent conversation even with her mind so heavy.

"I'd be glad to challenge you to a rematch," Juri offers. "We both know I would have mopped the floor with you those two times if, well..." She pauses, almost as if remembering something, only to shake her head. "I think you deserve a fair fight, and I want to challenge you at your strongest."

"My strongest..." Utena thinks of her mysterious savior, the one who won the match for her the first time and kept her winning every duel. "It could be a while before I get there."

"Well, then I'd be glad to beat you again, see if that helps!" Juri's been more cheerful ever since the loss of her locket. Nanami's still a grumpy brat but she's spent more time with them than with her old cronies. Miki's more assertive, and every now and then Utena's sure she can hear clumsy melodies coming from the music room even whe Miki is with them. They know who it is, but when Kozue approaches them nobody says a word. And Touga, he seems _sincere_ when he talks to Utena lately.

Everyone, every _thing_ seems to be changing.

Almost everything.

 

She keeps a close eye on Anthy for the next few nights, to make sure she doesn't try to throw herself off the roof again. She locks the window, tries to keep Anthy distracted, even goes so far as to hide the poisons and the sharp objects.

If Anthy notices, she barely says a word other than being grateful her little mouse friends won't accidentally drink poison and die. And Utena has taken to doing the cooking anyway, since strange things happen anytime Anthy tries to make anything other than simple snacks.

Anthy still disappears for a few hours once a night, and Utena tries not to think about where she goes and what happens. Sometimes she hears crying late at night, and she'll try to talk to Anthy only to be rebuffed. _It's none of your concern, Miss Utena, please don't lose sleep thinking about me._

If Anthy only knew just how much sleep Utena had lost for the past year.

 

"I'll have dinner brought to us tonight," Anthy offers one rainy night. "So Miss Utena doesn't have to cook."

"Is that what you want? I'll make you anything you'd like," Utena says. Anthy nods.

"You're working so hard these past few days, Miss Utena, you should rest. And besides, we're low on certain things." It's true, Utena remembers; they're badly in need of carrots, turnips, onions, and curry powder. So she lets Anthy order takeout, and they eat in their room. Dinner conversation is sparse, and it's painfully clear that no matter how much Anthy tries to deny what happened that night, it's still there. Utena's selfishness and guilt, Anthy's self-hatred, what Utena saw.

When Anthy leaves to see her brother that night, Utena makes one attempt to try to stop her, and when it doesn't work she goes back to sleep, burying her head under the pillow and trying not to think about it.

 

She finds herself spending more and more time with Juri, Miki, and Nanami. Or rather, they keep seeking her out. Nanami's not wearing her Student Council uniform anymore, saying she wants nothing to do with the Student Council up close. She doesn't talk about her brother quite so much, either, and Utena doesn't exactly blame her.

The more time she spends with them, the more she realizes how they've changed. Juri smiles more, opens up to people, seems overall warmer. Miki is more relaxed, even as he continues to click that stopwatch for no apparent reason. Nanami...she'll always be Nanami, but she no longer calls Utena names.

The more Utena notices how much these three have changed, the more she notices Anthy hasn't.

 

She tries to act like Anthy is basically another Wakaba, Miki or Juri. A friend she looks after and does things for but doesn't need to protect all the time, to avoid the danger of falling back into her old, selfish ways. It dies quickly, though, when she realizes she doesn't _know_ Anthy's favorite foods, colors or hobbies outside of tending the gardens or playing with her animal friends.

"Anthy, what kind of books do you like to read?"

"Hm?" Anthy puts down the dish she's scrubbing and turns to her. "Oh, books. I don't read very much, Miss Utena, I never have the time."

"Oh...well, do you like plays? Movies? Any particular music aside from the piano?"

"Not particularly," Anthy says. "I don't have time for many hobbies." Utena bites her lip, forcing herself not to start pitying the girl all over again. _Stay neutral, stay calm._

"Do you have any foods you especially like? Colors?"

"I'm not picky." Anthy smiled. "Why do you ask, Miss Utena?"

"No reason, really," Utena lies. "I was just curious."

Anthy hums as she does the dishes, and Utena is left with a sad, heavy feeling settling over her.

 

She almost asks Akio for advice, before she remembers what she saw, what she herself did with Akio. He would know, and despite everything she still finds herself drawn to the man, but she keeps her distance. Besides, it won't mean anything unless she does this herself. Akio isn't the one who made her behave so selfishly, after all.

She tries to do little things for Anthy here and there. Helping her with her homework, bringing treats for her animal friends, trying to help in the garden. Anthy neither rejects nor embraces these things, only smiles and thanks her.

Utena tries to be patient. It's different from how she and Wakaba became friends, they clicked instantly and within a day Wakaba declared her undying love. But Anthy isn't Wakaba, she's shy and quiet and _damaged_ in ways Utena has only just begun to comprehend.

_How do you take care of someone like that? How do you help them without being pushy or scaring them off?_

Not that Anthy would let on if she were scared or thought Utena was being pushy. She keeps smiling, pretending everything is normal. But everything is still changing and the more it changes the more Anthy stays the same even though Utena knows better by now.

 

"What would you like for dinner tonight, Anthy?"

"Anything you fix is fine with me, Miss Utena." She's lost count of how many days in a row they've had this exchange. Even when Anthy doesn't particularly seem to care for something she says it's just fine, be it dinner or the way Utena's arranged the shelves or the weather.

It's starting to make her angry, not at Anthy, but at herself. Because Utena is beginning to realize that maybe too much damage has been done to fix with kindness, that it doesn't matter how Anthy feels anymore. _Anthy_ doesn't care, she's resigned herself to that empty smile and will keep letting other people use her.

_What was the point of being honest with my feelings, then? Everything's changing, but Anthy never will._ Because Utena knows the truth now, that the broken mess before her that night _is_ the real Anthy. That she _has_ no mind of her own because Akio, the Rose Bride, life in general have taken _everything_ from her and she's too tired to try to get it back.

_But I can't give up. Despite everything she needs me, not as her prince but as her friend._

She fixes curry that night, and leaves the curtains open so Anthy can watch the stars. Before they go to sleep, she thinks she can see the barest hint of a real smile on that face.

 

"Miss Utena?"

It's a cloudy, starless night when Anthy rouses her from near-sleep, and Utena turns to her, stifling a yawn.

"Hm?"

"I know what you've been trying to do." Utena freezes and drops her grip on the covers, then sighs a little.

"Anthy, I-"

"You don't have to try so hard for me," Anthy says, "but thank you, just the same." And Utena feels a slight weight lifted from her. In her own quiet way, Anthy forgave her a long time ago. Maybe there _is_ hope left after all that's happened. Maybe she _can_ save this broken, beaten-down girl and finally uncover her real smile.

She feels Anthy's fingers tighten around her own, and falls asleep peacefully. The next morning, she realizes Anthy never left their room during the night, nor did she hear any crying. Anthy has a strange look on her face as she pins up her hair, and it takes Utena a moment to realize it's peace.

"Miss Utena, if you would make your rice omelette this morning I would appreciate it," Anthy says, and Utena smiles. It's a start, and she hopes to hear more of this kind of talk in the future.

"It would be my pleasure."

 

Anthy joins her, Juri, Miki, Nanami and Wakaba for a study session that afternoon. It's not the carefree time Utena would prefer, especially with Wakaba refusing to let go of her arm and Nanami being Nanami, but it feels more real than anything has in the longest time.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this wasn't too much angst! Your letter mentioned happy endings, but this idea wouldn't leave me so I fleshed it out to go into the frustrations but end on a good note, with Utena managing to get through to Anthy even a little. It's complicated, but in the end Utena proves she never gives up because she cares about Anthy THAT MUCH.


End file.
